Change and Powerlessness

I cannot change other people, places and things...
but they can change of their own accord.

For years I lived by the first half of that phrase. And there were many times when it was very helpful. In years past I had spent entirely too much energy "tilting against windmills" - and when I realized that I didn't have to do that anymore it was a great relief.

But somewhere along the way things went wrong. I started using the phrase as an excuse to walk away from any situation. I'd just throw up my hands and say, "I can't change them - so I may as well forget it and move on." This means that there were some relationships - friendships and others - where I walked away because I knew that I couldn't change these people to my way of thinking and acting.

But it wasn't the walking away that was the problem - it was that I did it silently. I never really got down to the brass tacks of the situation because I had another little mantra that I have used to avoid conflict in situations.

When talking with others, try to avoid the use of the words, "you" and "need".

That's right - try to have an argument with someone when you can't use those two words. It is really hard. Why? Because what you are left with words like "I", "me", "my" and "want". If I use only "I" words then I can't tell someone, "You are an idiot." - And I can't say, "You screwed me over." - and I can't say, "You should do it this way." -- I can only say, "I don't like it." - "I would do it differently." - "I'm hurt by this situation." And as for "need" -- Our needs are food, shelter, clothing - (Maslos hierarchy) - but we have lots and lots of "wants". -- It helps me keep things in perspective.

So - back to my story....

What good would it do for me to tell people what I thought they were doing wrong? What good would it do to let them know how their actions were affecting me or others? And what about how the choices they were making were affecting their own lives. I knew that I couldn't change them and I was committed to staying on my side of the street and limiting myself to "wants" and "I" phrases....

And then something happened that caused me to challenge this old phrase.

I had walked away from three friendships and felt that I had not lived up to my part and somehow had discounted the friendship by not being willing to fight... to address the conflict. And if I was going to get honest about what had happened in each of these situations I had to find a way to do it that would afford me some serenity when it was done. Some ability to say that I had given the relationship it's due.

So for each relationship I went back and opened a line of communication to explain what had gone wrong - including the fact that I had walked away - and cleared the aire. It was a very freeing thing to do. And I found the way in which I could do it and feel good.

When I told each friend what had happened and what was causing me such frustration that I had to walk away I did so from the point of letting them know my thoughts - but without any expectation that they would change or do anything differently. They could - but it would be of their own choosing.

The bottom line is this. When things go wrong now I will voice my feelings openly and clearly and then let the cards fall as they may. And if we can reach some compromise - or resolve some issue - then great. And if not - and if I have no choice but to walk away - at least I do so with a clear conscience. I can't change other people places and things - but other people, places and things CAN change.... Even me!