World AIDS Day

Wise up. Wear it. Where's Yours?

Today, 01-Dec-05 is World AIDS day. Please, take just a minute and do something to learn more about HIV/AIDS - show your support for those afflicted with HIV/AIDS and their families - or find a red ribbon to wear for today.

Today's postings at Consumer Preference are dedicated to my friend Jon Hook (1955-1998) and to all of my friends and their families affected by HIV/AIDS.

About advice...

Over the years I've had more than my share of time on both sides of this issue -- I've given loads of advice and I've received even more.

Here are my rules for myself:

• Giving advice - I try never to give advice unless someone expressly asks for it. Always keep in mind that I'm speaking from my own personal experience. Whatever advice is on offer, it's probably advice that I need to give myself and it may or may not apply to the person I'm speaking talking to.
  
• Receiving advice - I try not to ask for advice unless I truly want it. And if I get advice I didn't ask for, I don't take it personally. Remember - it's probably advice that the other person needs to hear for themselves - it may or may not apply to me.

The cost of advice. The old adage is true - Advice is worth what you pay for it.

As a consultant I've taken it one step further in a professional sense and actually charged more when someone was ignoring my advice. If I keep raising my price then one of 2 things happens. Either they start following my advice - or they fire me. Either way is good because you never want your advice to be cheap enough to ignore.

I once read the book, "Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus." -- And in that book it gave me a little secret when it told me, "Sometimes women just want to talk out their problems." -- "And in nearly all cases men want to fix-things." -- I took the gender out of the statements and I try to remember that sometimes people just want to talk - they don't want me to try and solve their problems - all they want is someone to listen. And sometimes that's all I want - someone to listen.

So - in the spirit of improved communication - I will often start off by saying to someone, "I really don't want any answers - but if you would just listen to me." - And from the other side of the coin in a new friendship there will come a day when they say, "What do you think?" - and I'll reply, "I never give my ideas or advice unless you ask. And now that you have - here's what I think."

Ok - If you're reading this - I'll open the door. "What do you think?"

Change isn't painful - fighting it is...

It's a simple axciom - but I've been needing to remind myself of that a lot lately. Probably becasue there has been a significant amount of change in my life lately.

In the last 2 months I've had changes at work and I've moved home. Both of which are big changes and both of which I've managed with a relatively low level of stress. Relatively that is.

I can always tell when I'm stressed - and so can everyone else - because I get a cold sore right in the middle of my face. Oh well - so much of a calm and controlled exterior!

I'm not sure there is much more to say on the title of the article - it pretty much says it all.

Change isn't painful - fight it is.

Never clean your plate

Now I know that it's not the way that I grew up. I grew up on a farm in Missouri and we were told always to clean our plate. And as my brother and I were both big strapping farm boys we were prone to eating huge portions and taking 2nds and 3rds as well. To which my father always reminded us, "Take all you want. But eat all you take." The idea being that we shouldn't let our eyes commit us to things our stomachs weren't able to live up to. (And just for the record - our stomachs never had a problem).

Now - some years later - I'm no longer 16 and even though I think I can eat like a horse I don't burn through the food near as fast - and that means that I gain weight. There are many aspects to this phenomenon - but one of them is definitely the "clean plate" mantra.

When eating out at a restaurant - and this is all the more true in the US - the portions can be huge. This shows up in everything from super-sized fries to bottomless cups of coffee and deserts with names like Death-By-Chocolate (a personal favorite of mine from Benigans)... the list goes on. Every plate mounded, piled and heaped to the absolute brim.

And what would I do? I'd eat it all. And sometimes I still do. And when I eat it all it makes me feel bloated and over full and genearally unwell. But that didn't stop me of course. Because I must clean my plate and eat all I take.

John was a fat kid - but he lost the weight...

My brother John was a fat kid for years. It seemed that there was nothing that he could do to lose the weight. And at the same time there was nothing that he wouldn't eat. If John got a plate of food he always cleaned his plate. Until one day when it dawned on him, "You don't have to eat it all."

"I don't?! I don't have to eat it all. I can stop when I'm full."

But how do I know when I'm full?

Stopping when he was full. This was a concept that John had never experienced before. Full. Hrmm... What did it mean to be full? How did that feel? How would he know when he was full? And what would he do about the general mandate to clean your plate.

John had an idea. Starting today he would leave at least one bite of every dish on his plate... just one bite. Starting today he would never again clean his plate. And if he always had something left on his plate then maybe - just maybe - he would start paying attention to how hungry he was and not whether or not the plate was clean.

Dirty plates -- Ewwwwwww

Ok - so that's what we get in restaurants. Wasted food and lots of people sitting around saying "Tsk Tsk" - but hold on a minute - I didn't serve up these portions. And if I'm eating at home I go back to Dad's old mantra, "Take all you want but eat all you take." -- and I'm working harder than ever never to let my eyes commit me to something my stomach (or at the very least my belt) can't live up to.

So many of the things that I learned as kid are great lessons that served a purpose when I was a kid. And now that I'm no longer 12 I need to re-evaluate these lessons. Do they still apply. Do I need to adjust them for my life today? Are there some I need to discard? Maybe this posting isn't about cleaning my plate at all - maybe it's more about challenging all those things that John and I learned growing up.

The next time you find yourself reciting some old addage or mantra from your childhood - take a moment and ask yourself does it still make sense for me today? Should I still always clean my plate?


Until next time - be well,


Troy

If you meet one A**hole...

If, when I wake up in the morning and go forth out amongst the other people in the world and in the course of my travels and interactions I meet a person who treats me poorly - then I have met one A**hole. I smile, wish them well, and carry on.

And if, as the day carries on and I continue my movements and pleasantries with the rest of the civilized world I should run happen to encounter a person who speaks to me harshly - then I have met two A**holes. I smile, wish them well, and carry on.

And if, as the sun moves across the sky and I make with my many to's and fro's and touch the lives of those around me I should meet someone who treats me badly, speaks to me harsly and makes utterances of ill will towards me. I smile, wish them well and run like hell.

Then it's time for me to stop - go somewhere quiet - and look in the mirror. Because in all likleyhood:

I AM THE A**HOLE...

So - if you meet one A**hole who treats you poorly - give them a smile and wish them well.
And if you meet another A**hole who speaks to you harsly - give them a smile and wish them well.
And if you meet a 3rd A**hole who treats you poorly, speaks to you harshly and makes utterances of ill will towards you - give them a smile, wish them well - and then take yourslef aside.

Give your self a smile
Wish yourself well
And start your day all over again.


Troy

P.S.

And for those of you waiting for the punch line...

Of course you could always take out your AK47 and mow those A**holes down!

Bell People & Bear People

When I'm sick - I'm an absolute bear. People can't bear to be around me... or rather - I can't bear to be around other people - when I don't feel well.

When I'm sick I go into my cave and close the door and the blinds, turn off the telephone, disconnect the computer and I stay in my cave until I feel well again. And should any well meaning friend come by to check on me and make the mistake of sticking their hand into my cave - well - all bets are off.

You see - when someone randomly sticks their hand into the cave of a cantankerous, unwell bear - the are very likely going to withdraw their arm to find a bloody stump. And that's the least that can happen.

When I'm sick - I want to be left alone until I feel well. I know I'm completely un-bear-able when I'm sick so I think I'm doing the rest of the world a favor by hiding out in my cave until I feel better.

But not everyone is a bear person...

My last partner was not a bear person at all - but a bell person. Now a bell person is the exact opposite of a bear person. When a bell person is sick they want to lie in bed and reach gingerly over to the night stand and grasp the polished walnut handle with the brass fittings and the shake lightly to hear the perfectly melodious tones - of a bell.

When do they ring their bell? - that's easy. When they are thirsty - or hungry - or feverish - or bored - or need to go to the potty - or lonely... the list goes on.

And what do they expect? - They expect that their loving partner will come swiftly to their bedside - silver tray in hand and delight in catering to their every wish until they recover fully.

Bear-Bell partners spell fireworks!

And that's what we had - Fireworks. When I was sick - he was trying to wait on me hand and foot and I wanted him somewhere in the next county. And when he was sick - he wanted me sitting bedside (when I wasn't going to fetch a glass of water...) And neither one of us had a very good time of it.

The thing about expectations...

The bear person expects the world to leave them alone. The bell person expects the world to stop revolving and wait until they can get back on (and bring them aspirin in the meantime). And both the bell and the bear person wind up sorely disappointed and angry and taking it out on the well meaning people in their lives.

The bear person bites the hand of the person who is kind enough to offer help.

The bell person swears at the friend who isn't their in a flash after the 47th ringing of the bell.

And the poor partner - whoever you are - let's just say that you are about as sick of the patient as the patient is sick with the flu! (Oh yes - and broken limbs, colds, hospital stays - they all apply - it's not just the flu)

And so much of this happens because of "expectations".

A good friend once told me, "Expectations are the seeds for resentments." And boy - do I believe that one.

So - what to do?

The point is this. When I'm the "attending friend", I need to understand what kind of friend they expect me to be: "Stay Away" - "Come Sit With Me". And when I am the sick person, I need to express what kind of care I want "I'll Call If I Need You." - "I'd Like Some Company and Help."

And in both cases I need to lower my expectations - give lots of room and consideration to both sick friend and attending friend and wait for the time when life resumes a more normal pace.

Until then - be well and try to keep from planting too many resentment seeds!

.t.

P.S.

Ron is doing much better now - he's almost learned how to type with the one hand I didn't bite off!

Just One Domino

When you were a kid did you ever play with dominos? I did. And although my great grandmother taught me to play the game of dominos, I had much more fun creating great huge shapes and designs with dominos standing on their edge - and then watching the magic that happens when you push the first domino - and it hits the next domino - that falls onto the next --- and so on.

In order to stop the cascading dominos it only takes a moment and really all you have to do is remove a domino - just one domino. When you pull that one domino it breaks the cascading chain reaction and everything is just potential. Sometimes I might decide that the pattern isn't the one that I want - or that the pattern will run in ways that I don't want and I need to re-arrange the dominos before letting the cascade continue. Sometimes I need to remove just one domino.

Arranging Dominos for Life

I find that my life can be like that... like a huge great pattern of dominos that I've spent a lot of time arranging. I've put a huge amount of effort and preparation getting life all lined up and ready to go... creating potential.

Sometimes the patterns I make are beautiful and intricate and all the dominos are white. When everything starts falling the pattern goes just the way I want. In those times my will and the will of my higher power are well aligned and one good event leads on to the next.

But other times - all the dominos are black. And the patterns that occur are not so pretty. And sometimes when the dominos start falling they knock into other things - like tables full of glass goblets - or maybe a steaming hot cup of coffee. And it's when things like this that start happening that I can see a chain reaction. One small bad thing happens - and then another - and then suddenly I'm in some crazy negative energy vortex and I'm literally feeling myself pull bad things and people and happenings to me.

If there is someone else in a bad mood - they come and join me and rain on my parade. The tube doors slam shut in my face, the bank sends me an overdraft notice and I get in a fight with my best friend. It all starts to go pear shaped - it all goes horribly horribly wrong. Until I remember one of my favorite life theories and it goes like this:

Have you met 3 A**holes today?

If I wake up in the morning and go out into the world and the first person I speak to is a real A**hole, then I guess it happens sometimes and I go on my way. And if the second person I speak to is a real A**hole, then I guess that both of them deserve a bit more rest and a smile for the rest of their day. And if the THIRD person I meet and speak to is a real A**hole ...

then...
in all liklihood...
I AM THE A**HOLE!

It really means that I am the one that needs to check my attitude, give myself a bit more rest and a smile for the rest of my day. I'm probably doing things that are causing others to react to me in that negative way. It's either that or I am in one of my negative vortex situations and I am drawing negative people into my life. In either case it's time for a change.

Just One Domino

When this happens I try to get out the way of life and other basically innocent bystanders - to remove just one domino - and collect myself and my thoughts. I check out what it is that's been going on and why I'm in such a mood defined as, "restless, irritable and discontent". And if I can find the source of my anxiety and turn it over to my higher power - then I'm well on the way to stopping all these negative things from happening. But it requires me to be aware that something is happening and to push the RESET button on my life... to remove just one domino and to start over again.

So - if you're ever having "one of those days" just take a minute, get quiet, ask for help and let your higher power remove just one domino.

Contrast: Creating Richness in Life.

Not unlike photography life is the most intense when filled with contrast. or at least chocolate.

You can't appreciate the sunshine without the rain,
love without the pain
riches without the lack
joy without the sorrow.

The next time you're feeling the bad - remember it will make the good all the sweeter and whatever is happening right now - whether good, bad or indifferent - one universal truth applies.

This too shall pass.

Welcome!

So what is all this nonsense about following the green lights? Well, as it says in the introduction, this is one of my core principles for getting through life and I wanted to write a BLOG about this and several of my other guiding principles in life. Who knows, at some point I might move the entire thing away from being a web log and actually try to publish the lot.

Oh yes. Rather than have some literary genious with a bucket full of PhDs try to interpret why my writing style is the way it is, I thought I'd just tell you. My grammar and vocabularly is being particularly influenced at this time by merit of the fact that I'm living in London. And London is just one of the many places I've arrived after following a long row of green lights!

But where did this idea come from?

In January 2000 I was sitting in a tiny cafe in the Village in Manhattan having a coffee with my good friend Sam. I was doing a bit of writing when all at once I was overcome by the idea that I something major was about to happen to me in my life. I raised my pen and said, "Sam, I'm on the precipice of a great change!" -- to which Sam replied, "Huh? What?"

Only a month later I had been inspired to go out and look for a new job.

Within only a few weeks I had narrowed the prospects down to two. One - a job in Atlanta with a small start-up company that I had worked for previously. And two - a job with a different startup company recently moved to Silicon Valley. Both were really good jobs that I was well qualified for.

So far so good - right? Wrong. There's a problem. I don't like California. I don't want to move to California. I think that Atlanta is much more the place to be. Some of my friends have recently moved to Atlanta, it's got great night life and at least a dozen other ponits that make me think that Atlanta is the place for me to be! And this is the way that I think about my situation purely from a self-will perspective. But, as with many points in life there are other considerations.

Just about the time I get ready to go to Atlanta for the final interview a few red lights start popping up. First, the company is not very stable any more as they may be acquired soon. Then the CEO calls and says that he needs to reschedule my interview time. And finally - the flight to Atlanta is cancelled. Not one red light but three!

While at the roughly the same time the California job is tugging at me. The people are great, the company is growing, the salary is not so bad and all of my travel to California goes really smoothly. I get an easy sense that maybe things won't be so bad after all. That's right - a row of green lights.

Late one evening I'm sitting around with a close friend discussing my situation. My personal preference is still Atlanta - but everything else around me is pushing me towards California. It's a dilema. I have a history of being very stubborn and pig headed (born in Missouri - stubborn as a Missouri mule!) and I know how to dig my heels in a move heaven and hell to get what I want. And I know that if I really work hard I can get the Atlanta job for sure. -- This would be the equivalent of running a bunch of red lights with a bull dozer -- Or I can take the easier softer way.

I can sit back and take it easy. I can accept the job in California - complete with relocation, people I know and trust and the promise of a good future in the Silicon Valley. I can follow the green lights and go with the flow.

So what did I do?

Well - I did follow the green lights. And am I glad that I did? Within 2 months the company in Atlanta had laid off all the staff and gone out of business - and the CEO was no where to be found. Whilst over in Silicon Valley everything had gone off without a hitch. The new job was everything I'd wanted and quite a bit more. Not to mention that if I hadn't made it to Silicon Valley when I did I don't know that I would have wound up where I am today - living in London.

So what's the point?

When I am facing a situation where I have a really strong desire to go a certain way but everything around me is a flashing red light, I take that as my sign to stop and look around me. Somehwere there is a green light. Somewhere is a path or a choice or a direction that is meant for me. It may not be the one I think I want - but it is obviously the right one for me. These days I make it a habit of always stopping to look for the green lights in my life.

* And yes - I have an idea who's running traffic control, but you'll have to keep reading to find out about that!