Bell People & Bear People

When I'm sick - I'm an absolute bear. People can't bear to be around me... or rather - I can't bear to be around other people - when I don't feel well.

When I'm sick I go into my cave and close the door and the blinds, turn off the telephone, disconnect the computer and I stay in my cave until I feel well again. And should any well meaning friend come by to check on me and make the mistake of sticking their hand into my cave - well - all bets are off.

You see - when someone randomly sticks their hand into the cave of a cantankerous, unwell bear - the are very likely going to withdraw their arm to find a bloody stump. And that's the least that can happen.

When I'm sick - I want to be left alone until I feel well. I know I'm completely un-bear-able when I'm sick so I think I'm doing the rest of the world a favor by hiding out in my cave until I feel better.

But not everyone is a bear person...

My last partner was not a bear person at all - but a bell person. Now a bell person is the exact opposite of a bear person. When a bell person is sick they want to lie in bed and reach gingerly over to the night stand and grasp the polished walnut handle with the brass fittings and the shake lightly to hear the perfectly melodious tones - of a bell.

When do they ring their bell? - that's easy. When they are thirsty - or hungry - or feverish - or bored - or need to go to the potty - or lonely... the list goes on.

And what do they expect? - They expect that their loving partner will come swiftly to their bedside - silver tray in hand and delight in catering to their every wish until they recover fully.

Bear-Bell partners spell fireworks!

And that's what we had - Fireworks. When I was sick - he was trying to wait on me hand and foot and I wanted him somewhere in the next county. And when he was sick - he wanted me sitting bedside (when I wasn't going to fetch a glass of water...) And neither one of us had a very good time of it.

The thing about expectations...

The bear person expects the world to leave them alone. The bell person expects the world to stop revolving and wait until they can get back on (and bring them aspirin in the meantime). And both the bell and the bear person wind up sorely disappointed and angry and taking it out on the well meaning people in their lives.

The bear person bites the hand of the person who is kind enough to offer help.

The bell person swears at the friend who isn't their in a flash after the 47th ringing of the bell.

And the poor partner - whoever you are - let's just say that you are about as sick of the patient as the patient is sick with the flu! (Oh yes - and broken limbs, colds, hospital stays - they all apply - it's not just the flu)

And so much of this happens because of "expectations".

A good friend once told me, "Expectations are the seeds for resentments." And boy - do I believe that one.

So - what to do?

The point is this. When I'm the "attending friend", I need to understand what kind of friend they expect me to be: "Stay Away" - "Come Sit With Me". And when I am the sick person, I need to express what kind of care I want "I'll Call If I Need You." - "I'd Like Some Company and Help."

And in both cases I need to lower my expectations - give lots of room and consideration to both sick friend and attending friend and wait for the time when life resumes a more normal pace.

Until then - be well and try to keep from planting too many resentment seeds!

.t.

P.S.

Ron is doing much better now - he's almost learned how to type with the one hand I didn't bite off!